Commitment. It's a constant topic the last few years. What has the era of technology, and instant gratification done to our levels of commitment? Before we divulge into one of my favorite topics lets make sure we all know the true definition of commitment.
the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
synonyms:dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity
Let's break down a few experiences most have gone through…
Unfortunately these are constants, and considered way too normal today. “I have been ghosted, I have been dating someone who is afraid of commitment and doesn’t want to be exclusive, and most importantly; I have been cheated on.”
Whether we meet someone and instantly form a deep soul to soul connection, or this evolves slowly over time, we all have a million small but profound moments in our lives to which we build up walls. We become more aware of feelings, and pain associated with all types of relationships. Whether the lack of a parent in our lives as a child, our first experiences with love, and our own self worth due to poor choices.
I am a firm believer in the power of circumstances. So many of us, myself included have said I will never do that, or never in a million years will this happen to me. One never knows until before you know it people and situations are placed in your lap to choose from. Let’s start from the beginning. When committed to yourself you begin to form a positive self love experience. You put yourself first, and follow your gut more than what outside circumstances tell you to do. As a child we form these solid foundations of what it means to love yourself, and what commitment means by seeing the people around us model such behaviors.
If your parents are divorced you may be more weary of commitment from the start. If you see people around you in rocky relationships you may be unsettled of truly being all in with someone. If you have been treated poorly in a relationship early on in high school, or college you will begin to build up the beginning of what I call the infamous castle of walls all around you. While commitment is something that we learn early on to value, and instill in ourselves to model after, we also have become so scared of the actual word, and truly being all in that we feel safer with walls all around us vs. letting them down and trusting another to have your back. We would rather have one foot in to protect ourselves from being hurt, than committing all of ourselves, and letting go of every ounce of fear.
Life is not easy for anyone. I have found that the more you have the more you protect from my perspective. The more you’re hurt the more you fear to take off your running shoes, and stand in place barefoot with someone. Think about it for a moment. How would you feel if you were standing barefoot next to another person fully exposed for them to see all of you. Not being touched, but truly looking at each other fully exposed. No filters, touch up apps, or screens to hide you. It’s not an easy one to think about for most. We go so fast to keep from slowing down, and experiencing the rawness of someone’s imperfections and brokenness. Everyone has flaws, and pieces of them that have been broke. It’s just a matter of how broken, and how open are they to truly letting their guard down (castle walls), and letting someone show them they can trust and commit to them. This in my opinion is why we see so much ghosting, and running. The fear of going too fast, going deep to uncover someone’s true feelings and fears, and the ability to openly share all of this without feeling judged, or exposed. The minute someone feels uncomfortable they hide, or run. They want the walls back up, and the security blanket back on (hide behind their phone in 2018).
But what if you truly take a step back, and focus on someone’s core. Their soul, and all that it entails. Not their face, their backside or chest, not their shiny things. Their actual aura, their brokenness which makes them perfectly imperfect, their values and viewpoints, how they make you feel…One of my favorite sayings I say often is this:
“When you are alone with someone in an empty apartment eating nothing but a delivery pizza on the floor would you be happy with them for the entire evening with nothing else happening?”
Life is not about the things we have, it is about who is by your side through the pain, the bad, the downs. This is why I have always wanted someone to just dance with me. In the living room, kitchen, closet, just grab my hand and dance with me as if nothing else matters but us. Everyone can project a nice highlight reel. They can be great when things are going well, and smooth. The reason I feel commitment lacks, and people stray from their partner is the lack of depth, and a foundation for which two people truly have each other’s backs. It is incredibly easy to walk away from someone these days. Whether a few weeks in, or years invested. It is easy to think that life is easier on the other side. Commitment will always take work, effort, and a constant presence from yourself, and another person to remain a priority.
I hope this helps you to refocus your relationship with yourself, and evaluate the possibility that maybe something could work with someone with time, and an understanding of where they are coming from. Ask deeper questions, and know that the more layers you uncover the more you will build a much stronger connection. The more in sync you are with one another the more you can conquer life’s ups and downs together. Physical attraction and surface layers only go so far. Trading in your relationship might not be the answer. Committing to go deeper may be the key. At the end of the day we all have choices, and free will to stay committed, or leave a situation for a brighter one. Either way ask yourself some of these questions, and trust your gut. Commitment starts with ourselves.
Everyone wants someone who says that they see your monsters, but will chase them away with you.
Our past does not define us, who we have become does. Never judge for you never know what it’s like to be in their shoes. Love unconditionally, and be open to leading with hope vs. fear. You never know what’s around the corner for you.